I’m Zachary Zane, a sex writer and ethical manwhore (a fancy way of saying I sleep with a lot of people, and I’m very, very open about it). Over the years, I’ve had my fair share of sexual experiences, dating and sleeping with hundreds of people of all genders and orientations. In doing so, I’ve learned a thing or two about navigating issues in the bedroom (and a bunch of other places, TBH). I’m here to answer your most pressing sex questions with thorough, actionable advice that isn’t just “communicate with your partner,” because you know that already. Ask me anything—literally, anything—and I will gladly Sexplain It.
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Dear Sexplain It,
Zach, I’ve been reading all your Men’s Health articles on anal/prostate play for men, and finally decided to try it out alone. It felt incredible. So then I started doing anal play stuff with my girlfriend. I was surprised how into it she was, too. Now we use anal beads, butt plugs, etc. all the time.
The issue is, now I can’t orgasm without something inside me. This is for both masturbation and sex. It just doesn’t feel as good. I guess my body is used to this heightened sensation, so I need it to finish. It’s annoying because you have to prep for anal sex, and I don’t want to/can’t every time. I’m not trying to douche for 45 minutes just because I want to masturbate for five.
How do I get back to the point where I can orgasm without something inside me?
—Addicted to Anal
Dear Addicted to Anal,
I’m tearing up from joy. My bottom agenda has finally come to fruition. More men are exploring the depths of our rear ends, and we’re embracing the mind-blowing ecstasy that comes with anal stimulation. In your case, a little too much ecstasy, as you’re struggling to orgasm without a toy or finger in your butt.
This makes perfect sense. You’ve untapped a treasure trove of sexual pleasure that takes your orgasms to new heights. Your body is now accustomed to this extreme pleasure—it has a new threshold for physiological arousal—so it can’t orgasm without reaching this new bar.
I think there’s a possibility this will autocorrect on its own in time. Think about how it felt to discover (non-booty) masturbation for the first time. You probably wanted to jack off all day, every day! Eventually—I assume—you learned to live without masturbating 24/7. I think the same will hold true for your anal obsession.
You’re still relatively new to anal play. I remember when I first discovered anal play, I couldn’t get enough of it. I always wanted something in my ass while having sex. My girlfriend of the time joked about opening a pandora’s box by introducing me to anal. Eventually, my fixation faded. Nothing happened, per se. There were just a few times when I couldn’t do anal because of my bowels, so we had regular sex, and I enjoyed it (almost) as much. Now I can easily have euphoric sex without something inside my butt. Do I still love having something in my booty? Of course! But I consider it a little treat as opposed to a must-have.
All right, as for weaning you off anal play, I asked your question to Luna Matatas, a sex and pleasure educator and my go-to for all booty-related inquiries.
First and foremost, she recommends taking a break from insertable butt stuff. It can take anywhere between a few days or a few weeks to recalibrate, depending on how much masturbation or partnered sex you’ve been having. Also: “Taking a break from orgasming altogether for a few days can jumpstart this process of heightening arousal,” she adds. So let’s not have sex or jerk off for a few days, then return to non-booty sex stuff.
Once you’re able to orgasm without something in your butt, just do that for a few weeks. Then, you can start reintegrating anal play back into your sexual repertoire. When you eventually do, take it slowly. If you dive headfirst into having sex with a giant butt plug in, and do so every day for two weeks, you’ll likely end up back at square one.
One way to take it slow is sticking to external stimulation. You can actually stimulate the prostate externally through the perineum (the area between your balls and butt), Matatas says: “Using knuckles, fingers, or a sex toy, firmly and consistently massage up toward the front of the body,” she says.
So, there. We’ve provided some suggestions for lowering the bar for arousal, because that is what you asked for.
I also kinda think you should lean into being a big ol’ bottom?
Your issue with anal play is the prep it takes to bottom. Here’s some good news: you are drastically over-prepping. You don’t need to douche for 45 minutes if you’re taking two fingers or a three-inch vibrating butt plug in your rear end. You only need to douche that thoroughly if you’re prepping for some 8-inch dick (or dildo). If you’re taking something on the smaller side, you can actually douche with one bulb, two tops. (This will take all of five minutes.)
Taking fiber pills can also make the douching process much quicker—everything flows more smoothly down there. There are even fiber pills specifically designed for bottoming. Pure for Men is a staple among gay/bi men. They’re more expensive than regular fiber pills, but personally, I like them more; I feel less bloated with them. (You’ll also come to learn you may not even need to douche at all one you start taking fiber pills.)
So keep getting your prostate involved through both external and internal stimulation. Enjoy that earth-shattering orgasms that come with something in or around your anus. Be the big old bottom God wanted you to be. Life’s too short to not shove things up your ass.
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