I Can’t Orgasm Unless I Fantasize About My Boss

by nyljaouadi1
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I’m Zachary Zane, a sex writer and ethical manwhore (a fancy way of saying I sleep with a lot of people, and I’m very, very open about it). Over the years, I’ve had my fair share of sexual experiences, dating and sleeping with hundreds of people of all genders and orientations. In doing so, I’ve learned a thing or two about navigating issues in the bedroom (and a bunch of other places, TBH). I’m here to answer your most pressing sex questions with thorough, actionable advice that isn’t just “communicate with your partner,” because you know that already. Ask me anything—literally, anything—and I will gladly Sexplain It.

To submit a question for a future column, fill out this form.

Dear Sexplain It,

I’ve been dating my girlfriend for over a year now. Our sex has always been good, but about three months ago, I started thinking of my boss while we were having sex. I have no idea why my boss popped into my head, but she did, and I orgasmed to the thought of fucking her. The weird thing is, I’m not even attracted to my boss. She’s probably one of the most boring people you’d ever meet. She also has to be at least 20 years older than me. (I don’t bring up her age as a reason for why I’m not attracted to her. I’ve been attracted to older women—I’m just not sure if age plays a factor here somehow.)

Since then, I’ve been thinking of my boss every time my girlfriend and I have sex. Now I can’t orgasm without thinking of my boss, which I know is a problem. I’ve been trying go get to the root of this problem, but I have no idea what it is.

My relationship with my girlfriend is going well. It changed a little because we decided to quarantine together, but actually, that’s been really good. The only thing I can think of is that this all started when I got the order to work from home. But I’m not sure how this relates. Please help me figure out why I’m doing this and also what I can do to stop.

— Bossy Orgasm

Dear Bossy Orgasm,

You’re not the first person who’s fantasized about having sex with their boss. I just typed in “boss” into xnxx.com and over 27,000 videos appeared.

“This is a rather common sexual fantasy,” confirms Justin Lehmiller, Ph.D., author of Tell Me What You Want and sexual health and wellness advisor to Promescent.

In the large-scale study on sexual fantasies Lehmiller conducted for his book, 62.5% of the people surveyed said they’d fantasized about being a subordinate who has sex with an authority figure, such as a boss or teacher. Broken down by gender, 56% of men and 69% of women reported having had this fantasy. So, Bossy Orgasm, you’re definitely not alone.

Now that we’ve established that, let’s figure out what your fantasy means—if anything at all. To get to the root of your question, I checked in with Stephen Snyder M.D., sex therapist and author of Love Worth Making: How to Have Ridiculously Great Sex in a Long-Lasting Relationship.

“If your sexual mind is like most other people’s, one thing that gets it turned on is power,’ he says. “The sexual mind loves power. And the fact that this woman is your boss—and that she has the power to order you to work from home—your sexual mind just thinks that’s unbelievably sexy.”

This could explain why you have the fantasy without actually being attracted to your superior. According to Synder’s reasoning, it’s not your boss you’re attracted to, but what she’s a symbol of.

Now onto the fact that you can’t stop thinking about your boss during sex. What started as a run-of-the-mill fantasy has morphed an intrusive thought. What’s more, this fantasy isn’t just something that appears in your mind’s eye—you also can’t orgasm without it. Therein lies the larger problem, and Snyder has a theory as to why it’s happening.

“Your sexual mind is a lawless territory,” he says. “If you set yourself a rule for what you should and shouldn’t fantasize about, chances are your sexual mind will try to break that rule.”

That’s why you can’t just tell yourself, “Alright, this time during sex, I’m not going to think about my naked boss going to town on me.” Your mind will go there, and the longer you futilely attempt to not go there, the more your brain really wants to go there. It starts obsessing about going there, until inevitably, it succeeds. (Enter an image of your boss wearing red lingerie and nipple pasties.)

laflorGetty Images

Snyder notes that most atypical turn-ons grow boring after a while. This one, however, seems to have achieved an unusual level of permanence in your head. (What I was just describing!) This is likely due to the fact that you’ve turned it into an obsession.

“One might define an obsession as any unwanted negative thought that causes you distress,” says Synder. He adds that obsessions can be pesky things. Fighting them often makes them stronger. “The best way to make an obsession go away is to not give it so much emotional attention.”

Of course, this is easier said than done. As anyone with anxiety can attest, “just don’t think about it” is about the least helpful thing you can hear. So here’s what you need to do.

The first step is accepting that your obsession isn’t indicative of a larger issue. It doesn’t mean you don’t love your girlfriend. It doesn’t mean you want to actually have sex with your boss. It just means you have a common fantasy that was likely sparked by being attracted to elements of power.

The next step is to not judge yourself. You’re really not doing anything wrong. You need to fully understand and believe that.

Lord knows I’ve had times where I struggle to finish, and I close my eyes to imagine that hot guy with a big ass I saw bending over to pick up his Amazon package. Do I do this all the time? No, of course not. I attempt to have sex where I’m present in the moment and connected with my partner. But once in a while, when I need the extra oomph, my mind wanders. It happens. So when your mind goes to your boss during sex, instead of feeling guilty, just acknowledge that it’s happening, and tell yourself that it’s not a big deal—or really, any deal at all.

What we’re doing here is trying to remove any power (no pun intended) from the obsession. Without power, the obsessive thought will leave just as quickly as it comes (pun slightly intended).

I’d also switch up the type of sex you’re having. Given that the brain is a highly complex and horny little organ, I’m sure you can find something that will get you aroused enough and distracted enough to orgasm without thinking of your boss. Bring in sex toys. Get your prostate involved. It’s going to be tough to think about your boss if your girlfriend’s fingers are up your butt.

midsection of couple romancing on bed at home

Nattakorn Maneerat / EyeEmGetty Images

I’d also run with your power arousal kink. There’s no reason to suppress it. Let it flourish. Try out some role play that involves a power differential. I’d say go ahead and even try out a boss/employee scenario. It might actually help decrease some anxiety you have around your fantasy. But if that feels a little too on the nose, I’d stick with professor/student. Engaging in role play will allow you to embrace your turn-on, as opposed to running away from it (or feeling shame because of it). It’s almost like exposure therapy.

You can also try out some BDSM (Bondage, Discipline, Sadism, and Masochism), which naturally integrates elements of power differentials. (That’s kinda, like, BDSM’s whole deal.) You find yourself attracted to power, so have sex with your girlfriend while she’s exuding power and dominance over you. You don’t need to go too wild here. She doesn’t need to tie you up and spank you as she calls you a little bitch boy. I mean, she can, but that’s rather intense for BDSM beginners. I’d start by calling her madam, master, or perhaps, boss. Have her be in control. Let he dictate what positions you have sex and how/where you can touch her.

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If all this sounds completely foreign, head over here for some intro BDSM material, as well as tips to engage in BDSM safely with your partner.

With all this, I think you should be set. We’ve addressed how to overcome the mental component (through embracing the obsession) and the physical/arousal component (through exploring various forms of power during sex).

Soon, I’d be willing to bet that your boss will be a distant sexual fantasy, only to return for a celebrity guest appearance once in a blue moon. And when she does pop up, you won’t feel guilty, you’ll embrace it, enjoy it, and move on.

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